Searching…

So what is the end like?

Is it because we are goal oriented therefore we get caught up in an endless pursuit?

Or is it the other way around?

True love waits

how could you have been so real yet so cruel.

i miss you so very much, the you i have thought to be.

About writing

many people aspires to be writers. I have never gotten down to asking why and what inspired them to. Like them, i realise i like writing too. I love words and i love the emotions and the sentiments that comes alive with words that are often described to be boring, or lifeless. But they are so alive to me, like theres a spirit within them.

I often feel this hunger in me, the very strange thing about this is that it feels like a physical hunger, one that food can fulfil, but in fact it is a mental starvation. I think it’s bizarre for me to say this, but i think my mind and my stomach is linked in a very strange way. Maybe this is one kind of emotional eating. Its just that I’m not sad, i’m looking for a mental stimulation.

many times, emotions surge through me at unexpected timings leaving me quite shocked always. These emotions comes from the realisation of things, most of time it is about having great people in my life that i can only wish for and there they are making a difference. I met alot of ridiculous things, some broke me some wounded me. But also i met alot of amazing encounters, in my opinion these encounters makes up for those bad ones. I’m so grateful for these people in my life! being so ordinarily extraordinary!

I find it difficult to convey my appreciation to them, but i wish writing can be a tool to me, for me to show them words are not cheap!

Day in Day out

I find myself looking for something meaningful to do.

In the process, the very first thing that comes to my mind is – what’s meaningful?

What’s meaningful, to me? Hmm something that could help other people? Something that contributes to society? or learning a skill? Bla bla..

Sometimes it just hits me that, it may not be that i’m just trying to do good. There’s a void, there’s a void to fill. Many people now are trying to go out of our comfort zone, experience something different. I ask myself, is this human’s way / attempt to evolve? Or are we desperate to escape a certain kind of reality?

I would always like to think human nature is kind, but maybe human nature is not. It is education and experiences that teaches us to be kind. So I must not give up learning. Instead of getting disappointed at myself not meeting a certain social standard or for being cold. I must learn that human nature is such, but in life, and in life’s lessons, these are my curriculum.

Some kind of breakthrough..

what

makes me most fearful is the fact that we have the freedom to do anything in life.

But in life, is the keyword here. If you believe in afterlife, this is probably when we start worrying about how well, we plan this life and questions like – have I had enough fun? I want to try that too. Oh and how about skydiving and the rest of bucket list.

I once met someone who told me he as no bucket list, because he believed in living life to its fullest everyday. He don’t want to live it by a list of things to complete. Well, that’s definitely some insight and a new perspective. But this same guy has a lot of strange attics about him that shoes he has many other baggages that he cannot let go of. It makes me incredibly curious and I want to know why he can be such a contradiction and why.

But i ask myself, how does it make a difference to me? and so what if i know? I have no answer for these questions hence, i did not pursue to know about the guy further. Well, it will probably take me quite some time to move along with matters of curiosity, but i try.

So there goes my train of thoughts. How did talking about my fears ended up in the topic of a living contradiction and saving my ass by not being too curious.

 

 

down

so in the past few months, i met a dude, fall in love, got into a relationship, broke up and back to where i am.

Well, i am not sure if saying, “back to where i am’ is apt, cos it sounds a little pessimistic, as if being alone is going back to some sort of a lonely hole or something. Guess, i just feel alone again.

He was a special dude, at least he felt special in the beginning. He seemed to have gone through so much in the early years of his life, hmmm okay, maybe no that early, considering he is already in his 40s. But well, he is worth a blog post, i think that says something. He is very interesting at the same time pretty warped. Warped to me is a good word, but in actual fact i think it isnt such a decent thing to be called warped. Truth is, i wish this person could be in my life for a longer time, cos there’s so much to find out about him, i am still very curious about how his mind works. But this bring me to a question, if i werent that into him, then why does it intrigue me to want to know so much about what is going on in his thoughts? Attraction can be such a strange thing, there are things that i would like to tell him, but once a relationship comes to an end, when somebody tells you that, ” hey, its not you, its me”… you instantly know that whatever you got to say, no longer matters to them.

well, going on and on about the encounter with this person, disturbs my mind alittle. I dont know if it makes me miss him? or does it make me melancholy. either way, I’m gonna stop here. I may continue, I may not… but today somehow, my brain juice flowed. so thats a good thing!

laters, alligatorz

In awe

of His presence.

this year has been a tough one. The ups and down in career leading to a financial unstability. But God is Good, he reminds me of his plans for me constantly. Nope, not specifically to what he wants me to do, but telling me he has got it covered.

the incidences of lost and found-s, and today i was at the bookstore deciding between what to buy as a gift for a friend. It was a tough choice, i had to go to the information counter to search for one of the items, there i saw this book. Effortlessly, the perfect gift was there, in my hands.

Its like him telling me, i got it covered!

Thank you!

So today,

i seriously asked myself the question – what are you doing with your life?

Well, maybe not my life. but what am i doing now? wasting time? finding reasons to justify the senseless things that i do?

i try to live the impulsive life, i try to be someone i wished i was. but well, maybe in the veins, im just that old fashioned, me.

i hate how cheesy it sounds to tell myself to embrace life, embrace who i am without going through a little mess, and a series of irrational events. but guess, i cant just create these events for myself, so i could find clarity out of them. That would be, lame?

My mind is clouded, clouded by i dont know what? mostly self inflicted confusions.

Its time i clear this up. and if i were to mess up, the mess better be well worth it!

 

Cheers mate!

these days

has come, where i think i may not be able to escape the emotions that i resist.

ration tells me to be just, to give people the benefit of doubt, for we all have double standards, as the globe is round.

but my heart, stings. my heart, swings. telling me that principles are cheap. talk is empty.

many times, i want to put my past behind me. walk on, with new perspectives and hopes. but we all know, our experiences make us – we can never erase or remove them. They are meant to be. hence, i learn to co-exist. This skill is tough, i’m struggling to keep my head above water. Struggling to stay balanced.

what is it that matters? sanity? kindness? happiness? or validation?

i have a bad habit. i discount people of their credibility, mainly from ignorance.

ironically, i think of myself as a sophisticated, complex being. but i lack the capacity to care, to empathise. and the only way is through The Son, where i can forgive, where i can love.

 

God bless my soul.

at this age

where i am supposed to feel old and ready to blossom into a mature adult, i felt more like a hopeful teenager than i ever did..

i feel the excitement lying ahead of me, anticipating uncertainties, and i am very surprised where this gush of enthusiasm came from?

but nonetheless, i am embracing it and feeling as hopeful as always. i just hope this is not because i’m bi-polar or something!

fingers croxx!