i seriously asked myself the question – what are you doing with your life?
Well, maybe not my life. but what am i doing now? wasting time? finding reasons to justify the senseless things that i do?
i try to live the impulsive life, i try to be someone i wished i was. but well, maybe in the veins, im just that old fashioned, me.
i hate how cheesy it sounds to tell myself to embrace life, embrace who i am without going through a little mess, and a series of irrational events. but guess, i cant just create these events for myself, so i could find clarity out of them. That would be, lame?
My mind is clouded, clouded by i dont know what? mostly self inflicted confusions.
Its time i clear this up. and if i were to mess up, the mess better be well worth it!
has come, where i think i may not be able to escape the emotions that i resist.
ration tells me to be just, to give people the benefit of doubt, for we all have double standards, as the globe is round.
but my heart, stings. my heart, swings. telling me that principles are cheap. talk is empty.
many times, i want to put my past behind me. walk on, with new perspectives and hopes. but we all know, our experiences make us – we can never erase or remove them. They are meant to be. hence, i learn to co-exist. This skill is tough, i’m struggling to keep my head above water. Struggling to stay balanced.
what is it that matters? sanity? kindness? happiness? or validation?
i have a bad habit. i discount people of their credibility, mainly from ignorance.
ironically, i think of myself as a sophisticated, complex being. but i lack the capacity to care, to empathise. and the only way is through The Son, where i can forgive, where i can love.
God bless my soul.
where i am supposed to feel old and ready to blossom into a mature adult, i felt more like a hopeful teenager than i ever did..
i feel the excitement lying ahead of me, anticipating uncertainties, and i am very surprised where this gush of enthusiasm came from?
but nonetheless, i am embracing it and feeling as hopeful as always. i just hope this is not because i’m bi-polar or something!
I’ve got lots of feels running through like current within me. bad and good ones both.
I cant seem to put them into words.. i dont like to summarise my thoughts of the year esp during this point of the year. it’s just that the emotions and thoughts and experiences i have been through in the past year has so much significance and impact on me.
I hope i can do more than what i have already done, but i give a pat on my shoulders cos they were all my very best.
Whenever i try to pen down my thoughts, i seem to beat around in circles – frustrating.
well, 2016 see you tomorrow.
3 months has passed so quickly in Ipoh.
I wrote my last post in the beginning of 2015. I cannot believe how much these 3 months has taught me abt work, challenges, happiness and contentment.
In these 3 months i felt the long waited heart felt joy. And i never felt more at home on that beach on pangkor.
Have to admit, i’m feeling rather emotional tonight. But I just got to pen down these thoughts.
Re-watching Sex and City on tv rewinded to years ago, me sitting on sofa, watching the same scenes and thinking – will i meet a man who tells me he wants me to be his wife? will i meet a man who wants me with him for the rest of his life and actually say it to me? I wondered.
And today, watching the same scene, i realised, yes i did had that moment. And now, it is back to the same old wonder.
On my bed…
Not sure wads going thru my mind. Been thinking a lot, thinking too much.
Im gonna leave for bkk tomorrow, not sure if i could survive staying in bkk alone next year. The thought of it eggcites me but it scares me too. Am i such an adventurous person? For real?
Hmmm william, well i really still hope i can learn to treat him with kindness. Not sure how. But i hope.